Faith + Mountains

On some days, I leave my faith on my bedside table like my lukewarm cup of tea.

When left to my own devices, I fail. I have tried to climb these mountains of life with no gear, and at the end of the day all I end up with are these bloody hands.

Everything in this world tells me I can do it on my own, but I have tried, I have tried to run this life on my own, I run and trip on my self doubt, I stumble every time and I am so, so tired of trying to do this on my own. My anxiety has continued to cloud my headspace and make my heart as heavy as an anchor, so weighed down I can barely move.

I have tried to reach for meaning and have only gotten back a handful of questions, I have leaned on my own understanding and gotten lost.

So, Father call this my inked prayer, my forever and repetitive surrender, I am done running, I am done trying to do this life on my own. I can hold my faith in my own hands at times, but You said that faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains. So I will lean on Your understanding and move whole mountain ranges during the process.

You have never started a painting that you would not finish, I want to see how beautiful you are going to make my canvas. I still have so far to go and You have told me you are not done with me yet., this story has just begun, and I want to see how You write out my story. I will no longer try to paint my canvas on my own, it will be so much more beautiful if I give the brush to much wiser hands.

Although on some days, I am like Peter I look away and doubt, you still hear he call to You and you still reach to me. Even on the days that I tremble down to the bones from anxiety, I can still hear You sing over me, calling me beloved, so when there are mountains on the path I will hold on tightly to my faith and to Your hand. When the valleys run deep, I will push on and know that you have had a plan this entire time. I am excited to see how You write my story.

With much love, Amber.